Words Matter

The words we use are powerful and they don’t exist in isolation.  The words we use with others often reflect the words we use with ourselves.  Becoming aware of our inner dialogue can therefore be just as important as becoming aware of the language we use in conversation.

Their impact is shaped by our presence, the relationship, the context, the way they’re communicated.  They are also influenced by our nervous system state, and the nervous system state and experiences of the person receiving them.

Even though communication is about more than the words we use, words still have power and can either support or unintentionally do harm.  It’s really important we understand someone’s culture, language patterns and other aspects that influence communication.   And it’s crucial we reflect back what’s being said and check understanding during a conversation.   What someone hears isn’t always what we intended to communicate, especially if we aren’t communicating in an attuned way.

Certain words and phrases can invite curiosity, choice and connection, while others may unintentionally evoke pressure, defensiveness or a sense of threat.

This doesn’t mean particular words are “good” or “bad.”  The meaning they carry is influenced by context, culture, our previous experiences and the way we each make sense of language.

In this blog, we’ll explore some of the words and phrases that commonly influence how we feel, relate and communicate, and how small shifts in language can sometimes create greater compassion, choice, connection and possibility.

Communication Habits

Like many things, the way we communicate and the language we use often become habitual. Over time, our inner dialogue and the way we communicate with others are shaped by our experiences, relationships, culture, profession and the environments we’re part of.  Because these patterns become automatic, we may not even notice the words we’re using until we begin to slow down with awareness and curiosity.

Awareness creates the opportunity to notice these habits and, where helpful, begin to choose different ways of communicating — creating new habits over time.

Words That May Increase a Sense of Threat

The words we use are only one part of communication.  Their impact is influenced by our tone of voice, facial expression, pace, body language, nervous system state, and the quality of our presence.  Along with the beliefs, experiences and expectations of the person receiving them.  Together, these verbal and non-verbal aspects of communication can either support regulation and connection or add fuel to the threat system, dysregulation and suffering.

Words and phrases that commonly relate to the threat system often communicate such as  increased pressure, criticism or a lack of choice. They can also minimise experiences and limit what feels possible.  For example:

• Should – can create a sense of obligation and a sense of pressure.  It’s commonly linked to criticism and guilt
• Must – can create a sense obligation and a sense of pressure. It’s often associated with guilt and self-criticism
• Have to – can create a sense of pressure and obligation.  This is also related to need to, though meeting our needs is important, sometimes the way we use need and the tone we use is more threat system based.
• Got to – can add a sense of pressure and obligation.
• Just – can minimise the challenge, complexity or importance of something.  It often unintentionally dismisses or reduces the significance of an experience — it’s a minimiser.
• But – negates what was said before it and it can block us from taking action.  It encourages focus on what came after the but.  For example where do you focus with “It went well but it wasn’t my best effort.”  And what’s different with “It went well even though it wasn’t easy and there were some aspects that could have gone better.”
• Try – can sometimes communicate uncertainty, or a lack of commitment, or a lack of confidence in being able to succeed.
• Can’t – there are situations where we genuinely can’t do something, yet repeatedly focusing on “can’t” can keep our attention with what’s not possible.  This can reinforce unhelpful beliefs, self-criticism, frustration, guilt and not feeling good enough.  It makes it harder to see the choices and possibilities that are present.

Examples of Reframes

All of these words have a place, they aren’t bad, they are just not helpful sometimes and they get used a lot!  When we slow down and notice which of these words we are using regularly, it gives opportunity to notice their impact in our body and reframe them.  For example:

• “I need to…” could be “it’s important for me to…”
• “I’m going to try…” could be “I will”, or I’m going to”
• “I’ve got to” could be “I get to”, or “I’m choosing to”

When we notice our language and tone it also gives opportunity to be curious and compassionately explore what’s underneath the words.  I often describe this exploration like layers of an onion, peeling away the layers and seeing what’s at the core. This can be an unhelpful belief.

Language That can Invite Curiosity and Connection

Language that supports compassionate communication and invites curiosity and connection often includes phrases such as:

• Tell me more…
• Can you help me understand…
• What feels important to you?
• What would be most supportive right now?
• Would it be helpful if…?
• I wonder if…
• What do you notice?
• Shall we explore that together?

Summary

The aim isn’t to stop using particular words or have a set way of communicating.  Instead, it’s to become more aware of the language we use, the impact it has on ourselves and others, and what it may be communicating beneath the surface.  This is part of noticing our habits and the way we communicate as a whole.  This needs us to be aware of our language, our tone, body posture and facial expressions within the context of the communication and how this may be impacting ourselves and others.

As our awareness grows, we naturally begin to choose our words and ways of communicating with greater intention to align with how we want to show up in the world, which for me is as a compassionate being.  Small shifts in language can create more curiosity, compassion, choice and possibility, both in the conversations we have with others and our inner communication.

Compassionate communication isn’t about finding the perfect words.  It’s about communicating with presence, curiosity, awareness and compassion.  Along with remaining open to learning from one another, and understanding the possible impacts of our communication.

If you’d like to explore compassionate communication more broadly you may also enjoy my blog: Understanding Compassionate Trauma-Informed Communication.  It includes the role of presence, nervous system regulation, attunement, deep listening and psychological safety, and more.

https://unityphysio.co.uk/compassionate-trauma-informed-communication/